The talent took some *ahem* liberties with the script when the roast was actually performed, but it went something like this:

Thanks for coming, everyone. As you know, this is the fourth year we’ve had to endure Ball Deep, and Matt felt that it was only fitting that we celebrate this birthday with a good old-fashioned roast. So gather round, and cover your ears if you’re under 18 or easily offended.

So! Ball Deep…  Traditionally these birthday roasts are undertaken in the twilight of a career. Take the hint, Ball Deep.

“Baaaaaaaaaall Deeeeeeeep!” That’s like their mating call, and it has been for four years. At this point it should be clear that it DOESN’T FUCKING WORK. Ask Treanne.

Baker says “Ball!” and you all automatically yell “Deep”. It’s like church on a short bus. It’s so lame that Billy Mays couldn’t sell it. Seriously, it’s old. Retire it. Sarah Palin knew when to quit, why can’t you?

I mean, Ball Deep? What the fuck does that even mean? I know, I know, it means your dick is so deep into something it’s touching your balls. Speaking of, Nuge, would you shave the fucking beard? It tickles my balls.

And that hair, too! Why are you being so selfish, Nuge? Donate some of those locks to the needy. Lindsey is your own teammate for godsake.

Ball Deep usually invokes Elvis in their taunts and it’s really quite a sight… you know guys, hunk of burning love, or in Nuge’s case, cat scratch fever. I don’t care what you call it, gonorrhea is a serious problem and you should really get it checked out. See guys, that’s not cheering coming from the sideline during your games, it’s just that so many of you have the clap it sounds like applause…

Because of your team’s antics, some members of my team have found religion. Not directly, of course, but after seeing The Nuge give birth to the uniforms on opening day, they were changed forever. I mean, if that virgin can give birth, then why not a babe like Mary of Nazareth?

So yeah, an entire team’s worth of shirts, all out of the Nuge’s vag… maybe he should look for his music career in there too. Hey Nuge, can you carry a tune in that thing?

You may have heard that the Nuge is in a band. You haven’t? Really? Check your Spam folder.

Teabag’s favorite sex move is “Just the Tip”, but he calls it the “Ball Deep,” because for him it’s the same thing.

And what’s with the spraying of whip cream when they ejaculate? You guys should consider cutting dairy and sugar from your diet.  Last time I got fucked by someone from ball deep I nearly went into a diabetic coma… actually, come to think of it, I guess I was just really bored.

So Kyle recently started a clothing company. His first product? A line of designer jock straps. He calls them “Nada Mucho.”

At the beginning of the season Lindsey showed up in a body-hugging, skin-tight unitard. It was unitarded. It had all the organs of the human body on it, and I still couldn’t see a dick. But evidently he does have one. I mean, he made a kid. Here’s a tip, Baker: it’s the mother that’s supposed to gain the weight during a pregnancy. By the way, nice tits.

I tried to pull up your team’s website by Googling ball deep. Didn’t find your site, but it’s good to see your moms are still getting steady work.

And that’s it for the show, ladies and gentlemen. No birthday would be complete without a cake, however, so, without further ado…

Make a wish, Ball Deep!

Well guys, I’m happy to announce your wish has come true! You wished for birthday facials, and here now to deliver your birthday facials… Matt Softcore!

For your protection and mine, I won’t post any photos of the birthday facial delivery fiasco.